In April of 1996, my world was turned upside down literally. My family and I immigrated to the United States of America from China. As a 6 year old boy, the dramatic change in environment destroyed my self-identity. I don’t know who I was anymore. I was in a whole new world surrounded by people whose language I did not speak, customs I did not participate, and behaviors I did not understand. I was a foreigner to a new country, unwilling to begin a new chapter of my life.
I had a lonely childhood. My parents worked 12 hours each day for 6 out of 7 days. I had no one to interact with except for my sister and a few cousins. The only world that existed was my home. Due to the lack of interactions, I developed a shy and quiet personality. I remained an awkward Asian kid who lacked confidence in everything I do. I was clueless, innocent, and naive about the real world because I only existed in my own. My ignorance placed me in a fixed mindset which discouraged me from growing consciously. I was oblivious to everything. I failed 1st grade because I did not communicate with any of my classmates. I was a social outcast. My actions were merely guided by my parents’ wishes. I had nothing to claim for myself. I was devoid of ambition and purpose at a young age.
Falling in Love
The turning point to my life came when I first fell in love. During 2003, the first year of middle school, I met a girl who was entirely different from me. Her joyful smile and jolly nature ignited my curiosity. “How is it possible that such a happy person existed in the world?” I asked myself. I observed her as if I was conducting a scientific experiment. At first it was minor attraction which turned into infatuation. She was a pure soul whose happiness is boundless, and beauty ageless. I am probably exaggerating, but when I was in love, everything about her seemed to be wonderful. Her presence was that of an angel. I wanted to become just like her. I wanted these feelings of happiness for myself. I tried to understand this foreign feeling of love. I tried to evaluate my personal feelings and observed the effects of my emotions on my personality. I was growing fast and my feelings were spiraling out of control. It was then, that my journey for personal growth began.
I started to question everything. I questioned my purpose in life, my identity, and my expectations. I was depressed because I did not know any of the answers. The more I tried to find them, the more frustrated I became. Falling in love has triggered a chain reaction of self revelations. And these new-found information only serve to make my head hurt. I was struggling between what I knew and what I just learned. Curious about what I was feeling, I developed a desire to document my thoughts. I wanted to understand love because I never felt this happiness and sadness in my life before. It was then that I began to express my feelings through writing.
A Growing Passion
As a kid I hate English with a passion. It is my weakness. I am very bad at grammar and spellings. I would go through lengthy ways to avoid speech during class. It was something that simply didn’t resonate with me. I am not one with English nor did I care. I like to remain quiet at all times and only observe my surroundings through my eyes. I am a nerd at heart and an introvert. I loved mathematics and science. That’s why I graduated college as a mechanical engineer. However, as time passed by, I realized how much potential growth I was denying myself by avoiding the most essential communication skill. I was avoiding the English language as a whole.
What caused the change? I realized that hatred for anything is an obstacle to personal growth. Learning to love has taught me universal gratitude. I need to learn to love what I hate. If I spent the majority of my life avoiding something because I don’t like it, then I will delay my own growth. Besides hating something only served to make me unhappy. I wanted to change, and I wanted to reevaluate my perspectives on life. Slowly, but steadily reading and writing has become one of my biggest passions in life.
Every time I read, I am going on an unexpected journey of gaining knowledge and cultivating creativity. I am learning and forming new ideas consistently. When I’m writing, I am constantly reflecting on my thoughts, feelings, and goals. Writing is a form of art. It is a gateway to my eternal consciousness and serves to transform my feelings and thoughts into physical form. I love to read and write because I am freely expressing myself. There was nothing hidden. I can easily access and evaluate my current mental state. It is then I realized what I truly want in life: to learn and grow till the end of my days.
I am not an awe inspiring self help guru. I do not claim to be one. I am merely one of many ordinary people on earth with the sole desire to share and grow together with others. I want to share stories and lessons I have learned in hopes of continuing to cultivate a rich, conscious mind. There is nothing more fun than to share my stories and to help others grow as well. My purpose in life is to:
Live life happily and healthily, cultivate a universal gratitude towards life, provoke conscious growth, love unconditionally, share universal truths and stories, and have fun.
And now I’m here starting my new journey. I hope you guys enjoy my ramblings and words of wisdom!
May the force be with you.
(Zhèng Shēng) pinyin for my Chinese character name. Or you can simply call me Luigi!