Category Archives: Love

Love Infatuation and Ramblings

I cry a lot. Is it weird that I find it therapeutic to cry? If emotions get too intense because of high expectations, I cry.

When I cry, most of the time it is over a woman. I am very lame, but I understand how the mechanics of the situation work.

Whatever you perceive as lacking in your life, it takes on an enormous scale of importance. Whatever you pay attention to the most, it takes on a life of its own.

In every way what I am doing is compulsive. I keep projecting my expectations and needs on someone else. I keep making these fake love scenarios that overpower my mind and emotions.

I mean I am in that love infatuation state again. When I am in this state, I don’t see things clearly. I can’t even maintain the feeling of ease within me. There’s just so much desire. So much want.

I never confessed my feelings to anyone before. Because I spend over a decade of time obsessing over someone who I don’t know, I created so much nonsense within me. The same nonsense I created gained so much momentum throughout the years. Continue reading

Imaginary Love and Memory

“You know what will make me really happy?” My mom said as she stared at me while I avoided her eye contact. “I would be really happy if you get married and have kids.”

I gazed back at my mother with an annoyed expression on my face. It wasn’t the first time she said such things to me. In fact, I have heard it dozens of times.

“You should give Amy a call. She’s a great girl. I don’t understand why you don’t talk to her more. Your uncles, aunts, dad, and I are all cheering for you.”

“Mom…” I sighed. “There’s nothing to talk about. I hardly ever talk to any one of my close friends. I don’t even talk to my cousins like Simon. Heck, I barely even talk to you on the phone.”

“Why don’t you then? You don’t have to talk on the phone. Message her. Use social media like how all you young kids do all the time.” My mom lectured me.

“The reason you don’t feel anything towards her is because you refuse to communicate with her. Just because we introduced a family friend’s daughter to you, doesn’t mean we are forcing you into a relationship. You can talk to her and get to know her. Become friends with her. Go out and have fun together.” My mom harangued while giving instructions like she knew exactly what she was doing.

“You are not young anymore. In life, everyone grows up, gets married, and has kids. This is a natural process. Everybody goes through it, why do you resist it?”

I listened to my mother quietly and discouragingly. I don’t want to argue with my mom, so I nodded and agreed with everything she said. She is right. There is truth in what she said, but I couldn’t accept her answers.

I sat there on the bed half absentminded and half paying attention to my mom. There is lingering doubt and fear within me. What she said made sense. I really wanted to agree with her, but past memories kept resurfacing in my mind. They were experiences that left a deep wound in my heart. Continue reading

Unconditional Love and Happiness

I’ve always yearned for the unconditional and divine. Who doesn’t want their love and happiness to be unconditional? When no conditions are needed to love and to be happy, we can declare that our love and happiness are altruistic and genuine. There is no limit to them; therefore they are pure and divine.

For the longest period of time, I have searched for the boundless expression of love and happiness. I have always longed for love and happiness that needs no condition. But the more I sought after them, the more they elude my grasp.

This is because there is an enormous paradox in my desires. For example, the more I desire unconditional happiness, the more I realized my happiness is a product of conditions.

I think about having certain people in my life, the connections, the possessions, and the right circumstances. How can I want unconditional happiness if the happiness that I want has to meet certain conditions? Am I contradicting myself with what I want? I believe so. Continue reading

In Love with Love: Part II

Being in love is like living a heavenly dream. But like all dreams, you will wake up eventually. When you wake up, you are left with nothing more than residual memories fleeting into obliviousness. I don’t know if that is true for everyone, but it was for me.

When I fell out of love, I became miserable and inactive. My mind yearned for the blissful abode that housed my initial feelings of infatuation and obsession. I became fixated on the past and allowed it to preoccupy my mind on a day-to-day basis. “Nothing in the present moment can even compare to the beauty of the past memories of being in love.” That was the thought that kept reappearing in my mind. I was harboring an insane mindset.

My mind was making excuses, any excuses to cling onto the idea of love. My story was my identity. My whole sense of self was invested within a dream. I feared for the end of this drama, so I attacked my emotions whenever I had doubts. I brainwashed and manipulated my own mind towards unconsciousness. I put my ideas of love on life support and held it captive in my mind. I resisted its departure with all my might because I couldn’t bear living my life without it. I was fighting against the natural law of physical impermanence.

We all know that nothing last forever. Everything is bound to end. Even though I knew all this, it didn’t stop me from growing attached to my false dreams of love. I faltered and stopped growing consciously. I was wallowing in my own fantasy world of make beliefs and daydreaming love scenarios over and over again in my mind. I was trapped by my egoic inclination for the feelings that love invoked in me.

I can see it now, how I became so obsessed with love. All these years of dwelling and living out my ideas reinforced my attachment towards love. I created a barrier that prevented me from seeing the truth.

I don’t know what love is. I merely attached an idea of love to my mind by feeding it with its desired food. I listened to so many love songs. They all reinforced my love thought patterns. I watched so many romantic movies and read so many love stories. I engulfed my entire being in a destructive and obsessive habit that made my illusion all the more real. In fact, I wanted it to be real. At least that is what my mind told me.

I thought what I was doing was unconditional love: to choose to love even when I was no longer feeling love. I was wrong. Continue reading

In Love with Love: Part I

“You should let yourself go, Sheng.” My cousin Simon said to me in a quiet, but caring tone.

I was sitting with my back arched in a hunchback posture on the single sized bed. There Simon sat diagonally from me on a white puffy leather sofa. We were in the guest room down in the furnished basement at my Uncle Dan’s house. I was having a one-on-one, man-to-man conversation with Simon about life, daily events, and most of all love.

My eyes wandered around the room searching for something relaxing to rest upon, but all I saw was the color white from every side and corner of the room. I gazed dreamingly on the ceiling wall and replied back softly trying to remember some love lingo I read before.

“Each love is like a marriage and will be a part of you forever. Each decreases by the smallest amount, your capacity to give yourself to another because each occupies a space in your heart that can never be replaced by another.” I recalled from reading Kent Nerburn’s book. “I don’t have the capacity to ever love another woman in this life time.”

“That is just an excuse.” Simon scolded. “That is your belief. And no you are wrong. You can love again, you just don’t want to.” Continue reading

Perfect Love

“Let’s talk about life.” My Cousin Jason said enthusiastically while on Skype call with me and two other cousins of ours.

“Ok, so what do you want to talk about?” I answered back in an excited manner, hoping to have an intelligent and loving conversation with him.

“You know how there are over 7 billion people in the world right? Well, that means people can never find the perfect-perfect love in their lives.” Jason said with uttermost certainty.

“What do you mean?” I asked questioningly. “What you just said does not make sense to me. Care to explain?”

“Alright! Let’s assume that the average person dates about 1 to 100 people in his lifetime. That means he only dated a tiny, tiny fraction of the human population. Consider the fact that it takes over 31 years to count off 1 billion seconds. If that person spends his entire life meeting someone new every second, he won’t even get to meet half the human population on Earth.” Jason exclaimed. Continue reading

The Things about Sex

After writing about Love, I realized that the most logical step to take next is to write about sex. It is a fascinating topic that I want to write about because it is a topic often overlooked. Many people avoid discussing about sex entirely because they are uncomfortable about revealing their thoughts. They fear that others would ridicule them or even poke fun of their perceptions. And because of that, people stagnate when it comes to sexual growth and understanding.

It is my desire to reveal the common misconceptions about sex. You may ask, “What does a virgin know anything about this topic?” Well that is true. I may not know much about the act of making love, but I am a man. And like most men, we all go through a period when the desire for women controls our every waking thoughts and actions. I may not know everything, but I know what it is like to have an insatiable drive for sex. I know how to distinguish what sex is and what sex is not because I value it ever so much, even though I never had it. I hope that I can open your eyes, and expand your awareness about the mysterious nature of copulation. Maybe my views will serve as a guide to help you make important, intelligent decisions. Maybe they will only serve to give you a good laugh. But whatever your reaction is, I am ready to share my thoughts. Continue reading

The Things about Love

The secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away…

Kent Nerburn

I am not a smart person when it comes to love. I do not claim to be one. Love is full of mystery and it will always be something outside of my realm of comprehension. I can ponder about the mysteries of why and how people fall in love, but I will never find the reasons. It is as mysterious as to why the universe exists. So what’s the point? What’s the point in talking about love? Well, because there are lessons to be learned. And I’m here to give you my subjective views on love, in the spirit of the holiday and in hopes that it will inspire you to think about it differently.

I have never been in a relationship before. It is not wrong to label me as someone who is reserve and unreceptive. When love first came knocking on my door, I surrounded my heart with an impenetrable barrier to prevent my feelings from overflowing. But despite my best efforts, I cannot hide my innate desire to love and be loved. I know it is a natural thing to love, but I was scared. I was scared of rejection. I was scared because the feelings of love were foreign to me. I had no idea how to deal with love. But with years of pondering and observing, I think I learned some fundamental aspects of it. And here are the results: Continue reading

Dealing with my Asian Parents on Love & Relationships

Relationship is a very touchy subject in an Asian family. Growing up my parents would always say to me, “You cannot get a girlfriend until after college.” I always wonder about what my parents said. I just don’t understand their logic. What is the problem with dating someone? Perhaps, they think a relationship is build to serve one purpose. That purpose is to start a family. And there is nothing else in between. There is only one absolute goal. Relationships are not for sexual pleasures, it is not for developing one’s social skills, nor is it for love. It is about starting a family. Continue reading