I cry a lot. Is it weird that I find it therapeutic to cry? If emotions get too intense because of high expectations, I cry.
When I cry, most of the time it is over a woman. I am very lame, but I understand how the mechanics of the situation work.
Whatever you perceive as lacking in your life, it takes on an enormous scale of importance. Whatever you pay attention to the most, it takes on a life of its own.
In every way what I am doing is compulsive. I keep projecting my expectations and needs on someone else. I keep making these fake love scenarios that overpower my mind and emotions.
I mean I am in that love infatuation state again. When I am in this state, I don’t see things clearly. I can’t even maintain the feeling of ease within me. There’s just so much desire. So much want.
I never confessed my feelings to anyone before. Because I spend over a decade of time obsessing over someone who I don’t know, I created so much nonsense within me. The same nonsense I created gained so much momentum throughout the years.
I keep giving my power and thought to infatuation and love. I don’t know why I keep doing this, it is for sure an unconscious action. Yet, I am totally willing to give all of myself to love.
You know the nonsense I spout about never being able to love again? That is not true because I loved a few times already. It’s just that those few times were all the same. The same reaction within me. The same overwhelming emotions being created within my own system.
I always thought that my intelligence is strong. But it is nothing compared to my emotions. My emotions are so intense. They are so intense that I cannot even see what is right in front of me. When I am alone and lost in my own thoughts and emotions, I make up so much nonsense and trash that I cannot even function properly.
When I fell in love with Lindsay, that is one thing. I was an adolescent, so the experience of falling in love is new and beautiful. That is not something that I can deny. But when I fell in love with Florencia a few years back, the same thing happened. The same desire, the same disillusion. Now that I am going through a new love infatuation, the same vicious cycle is repeating itself.
All this love conflict occurs in me because I see the person of my affection being with someone else. In every way, it is jealousy. It is insecurity because I wanted the other person, but I never had the courage to make them mine. So instead, life goes on in a different direction and I resist it. In doing so, I lose the ability to function normally. I am so lovesick and mentally ill in every way. It’s funny how I willingly allow myself to enter these states.
When I am overwhelmed with love, I am intoxicated beyond reasons. And when I am madly jealous, I am crippled by overwhelming depression. Yet, I still don’t mind. It is the intensity of those moments that grab me.
I feel like I am mad in every way. So, so obsessive. Yet with all the meditations that I do, yet with all the yoga that I do, I still act the same way.
When I meet the person of my affection, it seems very weird because reality is different from my illusions. When I met Lindsay, Florencia, or Liz. I question why do I even love them? I don’t. They are just catalysts to induce a certain kind of euphoria in me. I don’t know anything when it comes to loving someone. I am using them as a vehicle to a sensation within me.
I really hate myself for doing all of this. This is one of my biggest reasons for abstaining from relationship. It is one of my biggest reasons for wanting to kill these desires in me. Because I know all that I am creating is nonsense. There is a psychological drama that is ignited by my needs and desires. And it is further fueled by my misguided thoughts and emotions. When I am overwhelmed, I feel helpless.
When I enter such a hopeless state, I would rather be numb to everything. I want to feel nothing because I assumed that it is better than switching back in forth between moments of ecstasy and crippling depression. The emotional rollercoaster takes a deep toll on my mental state and there is just no end in sight to this cyclical drama.
I like to think that I am a very logical person, but I am way more emotional than logical. I do tend to put on a fake atmosphere of being stable, don’t I?
Stability within me is hard. The amount of work that I put into bringing myself to be a better person is hard because the very reason why I do all this is because of love.
In every way, I strive to be the best I can be because I want to become someone worthy of love. In every way, I don’t know how to explain it, it’s because love has touched me at the very core of my being. Because love has touched me at the very core of my being, I am willing to give my life to it.
I am absolutely willing to devote this entire life to love and to the person of my affection. There is no doubt in my mind.
And yet I know all of this is just emotional babble. Ramblings, as I would say. But a really needed one.
I know all of this is an illusion because I made up all this drama within me. So they come cascading down all on me. The same play of emotions. The rising and falling of emotions are my creation. The person of my affections is also my creation.
The issue here is I unconsciously create these affections. I don’t consciously create them to everything around me. If I can somehow create the same affections I feel for certain girls and expand it to everything around me. Then, perhaps, I can feel the affection of love for all that is here. Wouldn’t I?
This was perhaps something that I really need to get off my chest. And what I wrote here, I have probably written before. It is, like I said, a vicious cycle of the same thing. But this is written during an outburst of emotional desperation and unease. I don’t usually like to write about things when I am in such a chaotic state, but this is needed because it is another way of expression. It is another angle of looking at life and love.
I cried so much when I wrote this. I think the last time I cried so much when I wrote an article was when my grandmother died. I am such an idiot in so many ways. The kind of torment that I put myself in because of infatuation. That I keep drifting into states of madness because I have basic needs. And I keep denying myself those needs, so those needs were amplified in many ways.
But because I am older and I have experienced moments like this before, the love infatuation and the energy can be worked out faster. The feelings don’t need to linger within me for a long time. If I am willing, I will allow the intensity of the moment to play through my body, mind, and emotion.
Simply let life take me away in many ways because that is all that I know. I must really be bored to allow myself to be taken for an emotional ride. I am such a sucker for love.
You know the best feeling of all? After writing, I feel like a totally different person. The tears come and go, and all those pent-up emotions are released. Writing is very therapeutic. I don’t know where I would be without it. I am so happy that I kept writing all these years. Yes, my communication suck. It still is because I am so afraid of saying anything with my mouth. But when it comes to writing, the outflow of everything is so simple. Because I have years of experience of writing, what is trapped in me always come out in written form.
It’s funny because if I were to talk or say anything that I had written down, I would not be able to articulate them. It is hard for me to even share my writings because they are so personal. The blog is almost like a personal diary. I rarely share it with anyone, yet I probably should because it seems like my strength in communication is through writing.
I have a lot of work to do. Perhaps a lifetime of work in understanding how this human mechanism work. How my mind works and how my emotions work. You know the funny thing was? I went to college to become a mechanical engineer, but I realized there is only one kind of engineering that I am interested in. It is inner engineering. I want to engineer myself the way I want to be.
I want to engineer myself in such ways that I can play the emotions I want whenever I want. I want all of what I do to be a conscious process, not reactions to anything. I want to feel love always but not as a result of looking at someone of my affection, but because I am the source of love. Even now I am, but my experience of love is just limited and exclusive. Only certain people make me feel this way.
I can’t stop thinking that the very reason for my obsessiveness is because I made everything up. Because I unconsciously sought for things outside of me, I keep creating the same thing. For example, my infatuation for any women started because of constant attention in their direction.
Because I am always looking at them, so over time only the sight of them would stand out for me. In every way, I create unnecessary baggage. I really am covered in adhesive. Anything I touch, I get immensely attached to. There is no doubt about it.
It is so odd that whenever I enter into a love infatuation, I run away because I get so scared. I reinforce my rat-like behavior of flight. So I never really tried, have I? I never did.
So I never tried, and I never truly interacted with any women of my affection. I never gave myself entirely, then where does all this nonsense come from? It feels totally weird because it’s like I am struggling through an illusion. I am suffering from something that which doesn’t exist. I am suffering my imaginations, my own mental faculties.
I may not be able to see things clearly right now. I may have no clarity of vision because of intense emotional state within me. But I know time will always soothe things out.
When I was young, like before thirteen years of age, I had no affection for any women. Nowadays, women come into my mind and stay there. For sure, I am hijacked by my hormones and biology. Perhaps, when the play of hormones is gone, the affection and need for any women will subside once again.
In every way, none of this matter, doesn’t it? It is just a mental disturbance that I created. In terms of an issue, it is a small issue. Human beings have millions of years of experience on relationships and love. In terms of my life, love has a lot of impact, but as an issue it is small.
I am glad that my biggest issue in life so far is women. Because I know for sure that my issues are small. There are many people who are going through problems that are far worse than mine. Even though I am in pain, I am still very fortunate.
In many ways, I live a wondrous life. I am healthy. I run and do yoga daily. Mentally, I am stable. I meditate everyday now. Emotionally, I am high on love. There is sweetness and bitterness at the same time. I need to take charge of my emotions, but it is in a workable state. Energy wise, I am intense and alert.
So, despite my drama, I am in a very good place and state. Everything is interpreted within, so working on this one is a necessity always.
There is a promise that I want to make to myself: Until I am truly happy by my own nature, there is no need to seek relationship with any girls. If I seek love in others, then I am just a beggar. I am not the source of love.
I realized that many people get into relationships because they see the other person as the source of their love and happiness. This is not something I want to do. If you see someone else as the source of your happiness, your joy is always accidental.
If the person of your affection returns your love, you would be ecstatic. If she acted outside of your desires, you would be depressed. In every way, you are searching for a missing link. In every way, you want someone to fulfill you because you see yourself as incomplete. You are looking for your other half.
But the reality of life is that this is a complete life. I am a complete life, but I have not realized this. So for more than half of my life, I have been a beggar in many ways. I sought love from someone, so I understand why this will not work.
If you go into a relationship seeking love from others, it will not work. Initially it may work because some needs are being fulfilled, but over time it will not work because the other person would never be 100% the way you want. If you are not 100% the way you want, how can you expect anyone else to be 100% the way you want?
This is why looking for love and finding the right person doesn’t make any sense. Why are you not that person? Why are you not the solution for someone else?
If everyone focuses on being the right one for someone else, then the search would be over. Any relationship you get into would be the right one because of your willingness to give it your all. You are not seeking love; you are the source of love. So you share what you have.
Relationship would be of a different nature if this dimension of understanding comes to people. I find it funny that many people say that they want to love but are unwilling to give themselves entirely to the process, myself included.
When we love, we fall in love. We don’t rise in love. We don’t fly in love. We fall. When we fall, a part of us must go because someone has become far more important than ourselves. Only when a part of us fall, would something far bigger than us happens to us.
I know there is no need to define what love is or is not. I realized that whenever I come across a difficult situation, a new logic would arrive. And the new logic would be like a coping mechanism. It helps me make sense of life so that I can enjoy it more and more on a deeper and deeper level.
What love should be and should not be is not up to me. What I will do and what I can do is always up to me. And the most sensible thing for me to do is nothing. Just allow all the emotions to come and go. Just allow the play of imagination to start and finish. When there is a distance to what I am feeling and thinking, then look at all this anew. Perhaps, it is only then will I truly be able to see everything for what it is, isn’t it?